To my mom…

Tomorrow will be 3 years since my mom passed away. I had this photo of her, my sister, and I taken at the church we used to go to. I remember being so annoyed that I had to show up for this and I just wanted to be with my boyfriend more. I even remember picking out the outfit I had on so he could pick me up from the photo, and I could get away from her. I remember wishing she was more involved in my life, but I couldn’t wait to get away from her most of the time because she was my mom, and I thought I knew it all. I was 16 years old, and I just didn’t see the value of being with my Mom because, honestly, she didn’t really seem like she wanted to be around me; unless it made her look good. It was a tough relationship, but I miss her every day.

We are the same age in these photos. We are both 44 years old. And I cried when I realized this. If I had known I’d be this age without her, I may have tried harder to be closer to her so maybe she wouldn’t have neglected her health, and we would have had more time together. She would be SO proud of who I am, and where I am in life right now. She would tell everyone she could about my accomplishments. She would be able to see her grandchildren grow up to be the amazing humans I know they will be. There is just something about losing your Mom, that makes you feel different. The one person who carried you while you were becoming who you are, is no longer here. It’s this void that is never filled no matter how much you cry.

I wanted to remember her today because 3 years ago was the last time I saw her well and not in a hospital bed on her way out of this world. She was on her scooter and gave me toys to bring to the kids, on my trip to NY that I never took because her time here had come to an end. Mother’s Day is around the corner, and it is no longer a day I enjoy or really acknowledge. But today, and everyday I miss you Mom.