“This is it!”
Almost 48 hours ago, I took and was given a “preliminary” passing result for the AANP exam. This exam will allow me to be a certified practicing nurse practitioner. This test was one of the most high-stakes tests I’ve taken as an adult. I will not lie; it was hard. It wasn’t challenging because it was confusing, or I didn’t know what the questions asked me. It was a challenge because of the level of the questions being asked. 150 questions, and just about 3 hours later, I saw that I had passed in teeny-tiny font on the screen. The thing is, this test SHOULD be hard.
After checking out of the testing center, I walked outside to a cool, sunny day. I inhaled deeply, looked at the bright blue sky and said, “This is it! I did it!” I was flooded with warm joy. I was so overwhelmed with happiness that I sat in my car for almost 30 minutes to decompress and revel in the joy I felt. I thought to myself, “This is it!” this is what it feels like to work hard and achieve success. There is also a true positive force watching over me all the time. I am not what anyone would call a devout Christian, and I feel that religion and politics can get us into trouble when we mix our personal beliefs with work and even friendships. And the thought of organized religion is like the sound of nails on a chalkboard to me. Religion and politics are not worth losing connection with other humans. And as far as I can tell, Jesus was a man who wanted us to love each other, not hate each other. But God is out there. God is a force that has led me right to where I am, and I’m here for a reason. When I walked out of that test successful, I felt that my reason for being here was approved, stamped, signed, sealed, and delivered.
According to what my mother told me as a teenager and young adult, I shouldn’t be where I am. She firmly believed that someone who has tattoos or listens to heavy metal music will not get anywhere in life. Although she let up on lecturing me in her later years, I still felt judged all the time, despite all the wonderful things I learned and how much love I brought to people’s lives. However, healing has since occurred. I’ve let go of things, and now I know it has nothing to do with what music I like or how many tattoos I have. It has everything to do with who I am, my code of ethics, and my undying ability to be tolerant. Being tolerant does not mean I don’t stand up for myself; it means I can tolerate and accept that I cannot control others; I can only control how I react to others and my reaction (or lack thereof) can have an impact on THEM.
I have been successful in many ways throughout my life. I deserve to be where I am because I did the work. Besides having a great support system and people to encourage me, I know that God is with me. My definition of God may be different than yours, but he is responsible for all the beauty and wonderful things in this world. And while there may be darkness around us at times, we are given everything we need to get out of it. As I sit here, I also reflect on a time I attended a church service when I lived in California at about 24 years old. The congregation was rather eclectic, and it was a place where various beliefs were accepted. The pastor took a moment to acknowledge certain individuals who stood out to him. He looked at me, looked me straight in the eyes, and said, “You. My dear, whatever you dedicate yourself to in life, you will bring change to those around you. I would bet all of my money on how successful you will be.” At 24, I had no idea what the hell he was talking about. At that point in life, I didn’t even have my own home; I was a customer service representative and was married to someone I just didn’t belong with. 6 years later, my life changed. In many ways. I began to see what he meant. While I still have work to do on myself, one thing is certain: I am exactly where I am meant to be.
